#just wanted to do an edit for thomas but it worked out perfectly for pride month!!

[yorkmas]

💗thomas maclaine // beautiful one day💗

[subtlereferencetomyinterests]

I Taste Honey but I Haven’t Seen the Hive - Chapter Four

Ao3,   Masterpost,   C.1  C.2  C.3

Relationships: eventual queer-platonic intruality, mentioned platonic relationships

tumblr edits out my italics when i copy/paste, and its midnight on a school night, so. italics arent in the tumblr version of this chapter cuz im not manually replacing them rn :P

Warnings: Taxidermy, swearing, fights (verbally, not physically), mentions of death, sexual innuedo (thanks remus), sympathetic everyone but there is Conflict. 

Word Count: 2,645

Patton had learned, in his many years of emotion-filled life, that every person interacted with others uniquely. An obvious thing to learn, maybe, but in his younger years he felt like it really wasn’t made clear enough.

When it finally hit Patton that other people didn’t feel things in just the same way he did, it came with slow disbelief. Shocked was he to learn that not only were people so vastly different inside, but that he might’ve been one of the most different of all- even with the other sides. After all, each of them had seemed to understand all their differences like it was second nature, while Patton tried to come to terms with the information.

And come to terms with it he had, throughout Thomas’ late teens to early twenties. It was just Patton’s nature to try and learn about his friends, and that didn’t change when the task got harder. If anything, he’d become furiously determined to know how to care for all his family better than anyone, even if it more than once sent him spiralling in thought.  

Logan, for example, was at his best when he was around other people; calmly talking, debating, doing work in the same space, anything that amounted to time spent together. So, even when Patton didn’t know what he was going on about, he did his best to at least be someone Logan could talk at. Which must’ve have worked somehow, because Patton couldn’t even count the times anymore he’d realized it had been hours after starting a conversation with his best friend, the both of them grinning and talking and enjoying each other’s company. Color Logan understood!

Roman, an even easier case to crack, didn’t really care what kind of attention he got- as long as it was positive. Which Patton was of course happy to provide! Though Roman became easily suspicious of any signs of friendship, Patton liked to think he’d weaseled his way into being a close companion, if the amount of times Roman dragged him off on adventures was any indication. Roman, too, was a check! 

Virgil had been harder to figure out; not enough support and he got nervous, too much and he’d get overwhelmed. Fine balances did not come easily to Patton, so there had been more than a little trial and error. He’d eventually landed on treating him not unlike a wild cat: to just exist in the same space and let Virgil do whatever he wanted in his own time (a method that had found resounding success!). Virgil, much as he wanted to seem mysterious, was also marked off the list of understanding. 

Janus was deceptively easy to work out. He just needed someone to challenge him, all in good sport, to be friendly and frustrating at the same time. Call it environmental enrichment, but with people! Patton was more than happy to be one of those people, pushing and pulling in equal parts banter and genuine conversation. Janus, surprisingly, was clear as well. 

Patton wondered if it was weird to think about it so much. He thought about all of them, and he wondered if they took time to decode him, too. Or maybe they just knew already- they saw the heart on his sleeve (or chest, as it were) and had him all figured out right then.

He liked to believe they did spend time thinking about it, though. It was nice to think he wasn’t the only one that cared enough to take the time, and he knew that they cared about him already! Even if they didn’t say it as much as he did, even if they showed it all differently, and even if sometimes it felt like they didn’t understand him… 

They still cared. The hoodie around his shoulders said so. The card framed on his wall said so. The stray dog dander on his clothes said so. So long as he had that, who needed the luxury of understanding?

Patton shook his head, no, he wasn’t worrying about all them right now. Right now, there was someone else to worry about.

Remus. Remus, who always chatted on and on, but sometimes went dead quiet for no reason at all; whose expression never seemed to match his words, who laughed when he was happy and when he was angry, who yelled when he was bored and when he was overwhelmed. Remus, who threw himself around a corner for a cheap jumpscare every five minutes, limbs broken and wrapped in ragged, punk-style clothes. Who would also drape himself all the way across Patton gently and calmly, wearing something baggy and impossibly soft (but still neon as ever), talking and talking and acting like it was all perfectly normal. Remus, who Patton wasn’t even sure was officially his friend yet.

Patton wanted him to be. But there was still… something in the way. Some kind of frustrating, tense, unknowable barrier that left him on edge around the trait. If Remus could just tell him something, anything, or give him any hints at all about what Patton was supposed to make of him, then it wouldn’t be so downright impossible. But he was inscrutable, an open book written in a language Patton didn’t know.

Whenever Remus walked into the room, it was almost like nothing had even changed since his acceptance. 

Speaking of-

Patton barely had time to dodge out of the way as Remus leapt onto the couch, landing in a sprawl and taking up as much space as possible. He looked out of breath, so he’d probably booked it down the hallway and stairs, too. Just as probable was him having no reason for doing so at all. 

“Hello,” Patton said.

Remus, from his laid down position, arched his neck up until he was peering upside-down at Morality. He had a reserved look in his eyes, but it was obvious he was fighting not to grin. 

“Guess what I did.”

Patton paused. There were… a lot of ways that could go. Most of them weird.

“Um-”

Remus made a disturbingly accurate buzzer noise, exclaiming, “Took too long!”. He flipped over onto his stomach and propped himself up on his palms, his legs draped over the arm of the couch, and rocked back and forth excitedly. “I made you something!” 

The worry slipped out of Patton’s mind, replaced by curiosity. He hummed, smiling, and asked:

“Like a gift?” 

Remus beamed.

“Something like that!”

As Patton laughed by response, he ran his thumb compulsively over his bead bracelet (that he hadn’t taken off even once since getting, of course). 

“That’s so sweet!” he chirped, “You didn’t have to do that.”

The Duke puffed out a breath, ruffling the white section of his hair. He rolled his eyes and shifted around, pushing up until he sat upright. 

“Yeah, I know. Haven’t we done this dance before, Morey?”

“Okay, okay, I know,” Patton shrugged, his expression turning sheepish, “What is it, then?”

Remus’ grin widened in that almost impossibly way of his, and something about the glint of his teeth was distinctly threatening. It probably wasn’t intentional, but Patton could never really tell, when his claws tapped impatiently against his leg and something mischievous wormed into his expression.

“Well, you have to close your eyes, first!” Remus clapped his hands together, and there that glint seemed to get brighter.

“Oh, uh-”

“It’s not gonna be my dick, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

Patton yelped, covering his face with his hands in embarrassment. 

“Well I wasn’t worried before you said that!”

Remus shrieked with laughter. Patton didn’t move his hands from his cheeks, a flush of discomfort starting at his ears and pricking his skin. 

“You’re hilarious, but no- not this time, at least,” -Remus winked- “But just close your eyes, okay?”

Patton took a couple deep breaths, glancing up to give Remus his best approximation of a stern glare. He then let his hands drop to his lap, palms up, and squeezed his eyes shut. 

There was a soft whoosh, and something small was dropped into Patton’s waiting hands. He ran the pad of his thumb over its surface, tracing something like fur. Soft, short fur, but when he pressed it was far too stiff to be a plush animal. 

“Remus,” Patton felt along the object with both hands, jolting when he felt something scaly at the end, “What-”

“You can look now!”

Patton did as told, staring down at his lap. 

There laid a rat. 

A dead one, to be precise. A dead, taxidermized rat, posed up on its hind legs like some goofy little cartoon character. It’s eyes were impersonal glass orbs, but its skin was perfectly, horribly real.

Patton looked up, his eyes wide with disgust, to see unfiltered excitement shining on Remus’ face. 

“I made it myself!” His pride echoed in the words, that grin stretching his lips looking all the more unnatural.

It was then that Patton’s body caught up with his brain, and he realized what exactly he was holding. He dropped it- all but threw it, actually- kicked it and scrambled back and anything to just get away. 

The gift fell to the floor with a dull thump, toppling under the coffee table and out of sight. Patton pressed his hand against his mouth, the other one tightly fisted in his lap. He felt sick- sick enough that his brain was leagues away from rationality. Because he’d really touched- held- that corpse, that thing that used to be a cute little critter, what was now a homemade trinket of horror.

He turned his attention back to Remus, and a million thoughts and feelings rushed him. Betrayal, horror, fear- and weirdest of all was surprise.

Remus’ smile twitched, and he tipped his head from side to side.

“You dropped it,” he pointed out, “I thought you liked rats?”

The noise Patton made was something between a gasp and a cry. 

“I like alive ones!” He exclaimed, pushing himself back until there was a good cushion’s distance between himself and Remus. 

Remus’ smile dipped lower. 

“Well, this way you don’t have to take care of it! It’s all of the cute with none of the trouble!”

“You think this is cute?!” 

He couldn’t believe this was happening, after everything- he hadn’t gotten through to Remus even a little? It was all still a game for him to terrorize Patton? To shove dead things into his lap and laugh about it?

But Remus wasn’t laughing, strangely. In fact, he was very still. 

“You don’t like it?”

In hindsight, Patton would look back on what he said with remorse so strong it gave him headaches. He had scores of memories like that, of course, but this one’s sting would never fade, not even long after they’d moved on from it. But in that moment of fear, of revile, he could not think about anything else but the feeling of being tricked by his almost-friend laying heavy in his stomach. 

“Like it? Is this- are you joking? Remus, you made me touch a dead animal! I thought we were starting to be friends, but- oh my God, what is wrong with you?!”

Patton was sure he stopped breathing right after he said that, his voice choking out. In the silence that followed, you could’ve heard a pin drop. 

Remus stood up, and everything about the way he moved showed a woundedness that didn’t suit him. He looked at Patton with an awful intensity, his ruby-red eyes practically glowing. There was nothing vulnerable about him when he was hurt, nothing at all like how Patton would respond to something like an argument. There was only anger and tension.

He didn’t smile, but his voice stayed pitchy. Gleeful. 

“Everything,” Remus hissed, “I thought you’d catch on before now, but.”

Remus spun on his heel, and the floor beneath him bubbled with oil and acid and plague as he sank into the ground and out of the living room. The carpet shriveled, sick-green, in his wake.

That was when the understanding hit him. A lot like a train. 

“Oh, no,” whispered Patton, “Oh, no.”

Patton struggled to his feet, as if on autopilot. Was he going to go after Remus? No, no, that definitely wouldn’t go over well. He was probably halfway into the Imagination by then, anyway, ready to take his anger out on his creations and not do any talking at all. 

Patton tore his eyes away from the spot where Remus had sunk out, stumbling over to the coffee table instead. He crouched, reached his hand under it, and let his fingers touch the fur of his discarded present. He grabbed it, looked down at it. The wave of nausea when he saw the little rat was now less disgust, and much more regret. 

He cradled the preserved creature in his hands with all the gentleness he could. There was a slip of thick, yellowish paper attached to it, that in all the upset had gone completely unnoticed. It was folded in half, tied with twine to the rat’s neck. 

Patton looked into the rat’s shiny, empty eyes for far too long, watching his reflection be distorted by the spheres. He took a shuddering breath, then, and thumbed the edge of the paper, felt its grain, and flipped it open. 

“This is Jenner. You can have him, because even if you’re a priss, if you can handle me you can handle having cool shit like this. Plus, you’re weirdly nice to me, so I guess I don’t mind being nicely weird to you.

-R (the funnier one <3)”

Patton read the note once. Twice. Three, four, maybe six times the words ran over each other in his head.

The paper slipped from his fingers. He held his rat in both hands and stared down its coffee-brown snout. Patton couldn’t help bringing the figurine to his chest and hugging it tightly, like it was the thing he’d hurt so badly, serving as surrogate. Its sharp fingers and tail poked through his shirt like needles, but he ignored it, holding the irrational hope that the inanimate object could forgive him somehow. 

Jenner was creepy, that was probably intentional; his proportions and pose were so uncanny it couldn’t have been an accident. And it was so, so very Remus of a thing that Patton couldn’t stand to hate it. His shift in view was so sudden, and in some sad way he realized that the conflict had been the final piece he’d needed. What let that understanding crash into Patton’s mind, painting the picture of somebody layered.

The picture of Remus, who he was, had finally clicked into place- and at the exact worst time for it to do so.

Patton had fucked up. Massively. 

He didn’t react how he thought he would when he realized it. He didn’t grow weary and exhausted, desperate to apologize and then collapse into unthinking sleep for days. Gone was the emptiness of making promises that he hoped he could hold true on, just wanting to have gotten it right the first time. No, Patton felt something burning under his skin, something itching him to take action because he’d learned from a mistake. He knew exactly what he’d done, and he was ready to do better right damn now. 

Patton breathed in deep and exhaled sharp, because first… 

He sunk out to his room, Jenner tucked into the crook of his elbow. He rose up at his bedside and shoved a handful of knickknacks off the nightstand. With enough space cleared, Patton set his rat down on the table and stood it up on his alarm clock, facing the bed. And then, as just a final touch, he smoothed back the fur of its head and gave it a peck on the forehead.

Now, he had some planning to do. 

Chapter Five

Taglist: @shrimp-crockpot @glitter-skeleton-uwu @donnieluvsthings @intruxiety @thefivecalls @did-he-just-hiss-at-me @gayformlessblob

[dukeofonions]

Alright Time To Give My Take On This

As we all know we’ve been waiting a very long time for this next Sanders Sides episode. The last main episode was released back in June of 2019. 

Since then, the following has happened: We are told that this episode is taking awhile to come out due to a “special sequence” that we are not given much insight on. It’s going to be a surprise, okay cool. We know that whatever this sequence is it’s time consuming and production will be halted because of it.

And between that time, we got some new content out. We got two music videos on Thomas’ main channel, and on the second channel we got two Pride videos, new episode of “Real or Fake”, introduced to “Stress to Impress” a gaming video, new “Reasons to Smile”, a Halloween video, the first episode of “We Take Requests”, and a slew of shorts compilations in between. 

So for now, we have a steady flow of content. All is well.

Then the holidays rolled around and we were told that since last year, everyone had been busy working on a Christmas episode, that they were going to take a break and spend time with families and relax during the holiday season. Again, perfectly reasonable, we did get an Asides video recently in November, everything is fine. 

We are then told we could expect the next video by January. Great! We finally have a potential release date! People get excited, then January ends, no new episode is released. Minor disappointment, but hey, this isn’t the first time they’ve given a release date only to have it not happen. We’re used to this and wait for next month. 

February comes and goes, still nothing. Then March comes and we finally get the Bloopers video we’ve been wanting for so long! And at the end, we get a trailer for the new episode! Everyone’s buzzing again! People are theorizing, panicking, we’ve gone nuts over a few seconds of footage from this new episode and we finally know what that special sequence was! An animation! No wonder, there’s a lot of animators in this fandom and they all know how time consuming animation is, especially when you want it to be good.  

And we are told that they are hoping to have the video out before the end of March! They’re in the editing process! Everyone is hyped and ready to go! 

We then reach the last week of March, we’re on the edge of our seats, waiting, waiting... 

And we’re told the episode will not be released by the end of March due to them missing what was described as “One important day of key production” which, we don’t know what that is. And then on top of that, a pandemic happened and has shaken everything up, and for safety reasons, they can’t get together and film and have to find a new way of doing so.

Which, let me stop and stress this point so it’s perfectly clear, No one is asking Thomas or any of his friends to risk their health and safety for the sake of a Youtube video. It is not as important as people’s lives and that should always come first, period. This pandemic has ruined a lot of things for a lot of people, and many are doing everything they can to do their part in stopping the spread of it, which is what everyone should be doing. Thomas and co. are doing the right thing, and if it means postponing the video for a little longer, so be it. 

Now we jump to the present day, April 13. The day we all thought would be the longest we’d have to wait. But as we now know, the video won’t be posted today. And it most likely won’t be posted any time soon as far as we know. We’ve been told that there is still editing going on, but we don’t know if this sequence they forgot has been filmed yet, or how they’re going to work around it. 

And that’s the biggest issue here: We don’t know anything that’s going on. 

Thomas and co. have always been vague when it comes to releasing details about new videos, not just Sanders Sides. Even the two most recent videos, the Blooper reel and the “Playing A Game Until It’s All You Can Think About” were kept super under wraps. 

Why couldn’t they tell us they were putting out a Bloopers video? What would that have given away? Or the video game one? I get wanting to surprise your fans, but I honestly feel like Thomas and co. take things a bit too far.

They don’t tell us anything about what they’re uploading, even when most of the time, the fans have already guessed what it is when it’s uploaded. So why can’t we know what type of video we’re getting? 

Especially when there hasn’t been content in forever, then a new video is said to be released tomorrow, everyone gets excited and then- it’s just another shorts compilation... Shorts most have already seen from Thomas’ social medias. 

Yay? 

Literally, all we want is to know what’s going on. Not everything needs to be a “Top Secret Project” it’s okay to let us know what to expect. Especially since people will stay up to unholy hours of the night when there’s the possibility that a new Sanders Sides will be released.

That is me. I am one of those people. I should stop doing that... 

[magpiemorality]

Freudian Sides, A Very Long Meta Theory Post

This is a rewrite of a rambling post with my imagining of fitting the Sides into the Freudian Personality Theory of the id, ego and superego. I have never studied psychology but enjoyed researching this a bit! It’s edited and added-to to be more readable and understandable, and mainly to collect all of my own thoughts in one place for me to come back to later. If you’re interested then read on, warning that it’s a long one, full of rambling opinions from this one thinker here, but hopefully some of it is interesting. If you agree with me let me know, if you disagree with me also let me know, but I should point out that this is just one theory I’ve applied to the series and characters and there are probably loads out there that fit!

Let’s get to it~

Warnings: mention of infection, very long post, badly researched psychology!

AO3  

***

The Freudian Personality Theory

Summarised from this article

The theory that Freud presented is that the psyche/personality can be separated into three distinct parts; the ID, the EGO and the SUPEREGO. These are not physical parts but aspects of the psyche that influence the personality of a person. 

The id is the most basic instincts, deep in the subconscious, things like eating, seeking pleasure (in the sense of good feelings for the person), and survival instinct; things that won’t change as you age because they are so intrinsic (apart from the development of the reproduction instinct in those it presents itself in). The superego is the conscience and the ‘ideal self’, your most socially affected part that dictates morality and outward self you want to project into the world. It’s the bit that makes you choose to do stuff for others and follow laws and social rules, and gives you the desire to be better and improve, as well as being a source of guilt or pride if you succeed or fail at those things. The ego balances the two, trying to find the best outcome by appeasing the id while following the code of the superego. It uses rational thinking and grounds decisions in reality while still working to seek a positive overall outcome for the person. It doesn’t have the sense of right or wrong that the superego has, and failing to control the id can result in feelings such as guilt or anxiety, which it may try to unconsciously defend the psyche against as a coping mechanism. It is concerned primarily with helping the personality feel good in a socially acceptable way. 

Sides as aspects of the Personality Theory

So I found that this theory fit rather well with the sides, better than the dark sides/light sides, left brain/right brain, each side has an opposite, disorders vs productive aspects, conscious vs unconscious aspects, all theories which are interesting but never quite rang true for me. The way the theory presents the aspects as independent workers that influence the personality of the person lines up very well against the personified Sides, affecting Character Thomas as he utilises them. 

In that regard I see the sides we see during the series more as entities brought to life and assigned personifications semi-consciously by Character Thomas rather than the aspects of the psyche brought to life, or the sides of his personality brought to life, because I believe that a) he has changed them prior to and during the series by interacting with them consciously and semi or subconsciously assigning them personifications, and b) they all perform multiple roles and duties beyond what their named ‘role’ in the series is, so just sticking to that doesn’t fit, or would require a whole host of other characters that we don’t know about to exist, which I personally don’t see working well within the series (Orange notwithstanding; that’s a discussion for another time!). 

In order to reconcile those things my thoughts were to place each side within the Freudian theory and then explain why they might not entirely fit using points a and b as supporting evidence. 

Firstly, Virgil and Remus would be the id, the instincts and base functions, easily able to disrupt and overwhelm the main psyche if left unchecked. Too much attention paid to these can result in feelings of guilt or anxiety, influenced by the Superego, and overall I think the id is a mess of conflict of instincts as well as survival wars with curiosity and impulse. So, Remus is pure impulse and represents several base instincts such as sexual and morbid. 

The ego is of course Logan and Janus, with their logic and rational thinking and defense of Character Thomas over everything else, which adhering to social values and concepts. They are very much the self control sides and do exactly that, working together not only to keep Virgil and Remus satisfied and not overwhelming, but to do the same for the superego sides. They don’t bother themselves with wrong or right, but prioritise Character Thomas’ well-being, sometimes over the superego as well, keeping that in check just as easily as they keep the id in check. Logan is a notable foil for Remus and often Virgil, and Janus has proven his own desire to act in this way. Perhaps while the superego was essentially in charge this is why the id sides became disordered; because Janus was only able to do half of his role and overcompensated by forcing the id down entirely rather than offering compromise along with Logan and keeping the superego in check at the same time. The feelings of guilt that catalysed that must have been fairly great, which matches up well with Character Thomas’ religious upbringing and how that would have interacted with puberty and his growing sense of self.

That leaves Roman and Patton as the superego, which just fits!! Patton is the conscience and morality side but in many ways so is Roman. He also firmly believes in the code of right and wrong, perhaps recently shown to be influenced by Patton or perhaps he simply feels it more strongly than Patton. We certainly know him to be a product of that way of thinking, with the half of creativity concept. And as Character Thomas’ career aspirations it is interesting to look at him because had there been another career of choice he would perhaps have been entirely different, or if you prefer to look at it the other way; Character Thomas may have chosen to pursue a career in performance because his superego and ideal self is incredibly theatrical and performance orientated. They also both strive to be the best people they can be, more so than any other sides holding themselves to lofty standards and their own account in the model of ‘best’ that society has taught them! The religious influence can’t be downplayed here. And they do influence Thomas's negativity over first Virgil- with Roman’s constant animosity towards the side before the acceptance- and then Remus- from Roman and Patton as well, while Logan the ego is more concerned with neutralising the threat Remus poses instead of fearing him. It could be said that Patton even influences Virgil's reaction to Remus, turning the id on itself by guilting survival instinct into attacking the other instincts as dangerous. Finally, if left unchecked themselves by the ego they also get out of hand and become neurotic and overwhelm the psyche too. Patton caused the distinction between light and dark and is responsible for many feelings of guilt and poor conscience for Character Thomas, while Roman often feels insecure and unsuccessful because his ideal self is too out of reach for reality. They need the ego to stay in touch with reality and to function best for Character Thomas, in cohesion with the other sides. 

Keep reading for the final part of my 'analysis';

How Character Thomas muddled things up

To me, this feels right for how the sides were all formed, with the added caveat that I think the choices Character Thomas made of assigning them personality traits has skewed the picture somewhat. For example as mentioned above; I don't think Remus was initially ‘Creativity’ at all, but that the impulsive thoughts he brought to the table were labelled that way because of the superego's guilt and influence not being held in check by the ego during formative years for the psyche. 

Now the main problem in the Sanders Sides canon is that the sides, well, exist. The fact that Character Thomas sees them consciously and has subconsciously personified them has influenced and changed facets of each one in a very interesting way, character-wise. The superego’s control over everything has inspired Character Thomas to demonise certain aspects that would otherwise have been perfectly natural and safe, albeit in controlled doses. Instead we have the entire id forced subconscious and then breaking out to bring Virgil to the conscious fore;  But let’s look at this more on a character by character basis (because I apparently need to write it this way!).

Remus, who would have just been base instincts but also due to suppression has become disordered as intrusive thoughts, but thanks to Character Thomas’ conscious personification of Roman, was subconsciously remodeled as ‘dark creativity’, even though the two function in completely different ways in the show, and in this theory. Roman’s creativity, aka the imagination, is a conscious choice that Character Thomas chooses to use, and he actively chooses not to think ‘dark’ thoughts in his imagination. Remus is more impulsive and base and subconscious, uncontrolled and not so much creativity as original thought coming from those instincts and, mainly (I’ll keep on at this thread forever I swear) impulse. Interestingly in the Vines, if they exist within the same universe, then Remus’ impulses have in fact been regularly satisfied through (as mentioned many times before) jumping out of a car, setting things on fire, all the butt selfies, etc. His Intrusive Thoughts title could therefore stem from mainly the repression of his aspect of the psyche; by forcing the baser instincts down on the principle of them being ‘wrong in the eyes of society’ the superego and Character Thomas unwittingly created a sort of malformation where impulse becomes more negative and unwelcome because there is no outlet, like an infected wound, trying to lash out and instead of being cowed by the moral conscience only forming harder around that idea (that society would view them as bad) in order to do the lashing out. Think of it as a mental association of base instincts and those thoughts and impulses with ‘don’t think this’ and ‘bad for you and for society’. The pink elephant thought experiment is incredibly relevant here. The more repressed instincts are, the more they wildly act out and become disordered. 

Virgil as the more survival instinct side of the id had a similar experience; through some means, probably overinfluence of the superego he became disordered as well, his survival instinct shifting from physical danger to more often social danger, and his expression as Anxiety was a malformed way of working his role for Character Thomas and responding to the control and repression the superego exerted over him. The intrusive thoughts and anxiety disorders that Character Thomas experiences I would theorise came from the id trying to balance an overzealous superego- and the impact of the superego imposing societal concerns on an aspect of the psyche that should never deal with the outside world- with the ego overwhelmed by the superego as well. It’s intriguing that when he was accepted/became a ‘light side’ his name was not changed from Anxiety to something more reflective of his job, however I suppose there’s a case to be made that once an aspect has become disordered, leading to mental health issues, it’s probably incredibly hard for it to turn back and ameliorating the symptoms is often the best solution. Accepting Anxiety in this case was the best thing they could have done, and accepting Intrusive Thoughts will hopefully come along soon as well. 

Logan is fairly simply personified and distinguished and luckily mostly saved from the complications of personification, but not of the peronification of the others. They all have to function to keep themselves in check now as conscious beings, removing some of the responsibility from the ego as Character Thomas and the sides have started to think rationally for themselves. This has resulted somewhat in Logan becoming less relevant and useful and not being listened to as much, which we have seen in the show recently. He's still needed of course but his function has lessened with the development of the sides as personalities, and is perhaps going to be the next side to have to come back into balance as the rest of the psyche learn they need his guidance as well as their own (and I think it would be interesting to see Janus have to fill his shoes and struggle to do all the work, requiring him to come back full force). 

Janus has suffered from the personification in much the same way Remus has; through demonisations. But I think mainly this resulted in Janus being unable to do his own role as a balancer of both sides because he was overwhelmed by the guilt of giving in to instinct and therefore put even more effort into forcing down the id, mainly Remus, and abandoned his ‘put yourself first’ role for Character Thomas, which Logan struggled to fill in a way Character Thomas can relate to. Seeing them work together and playing to their strengths would be wonderful, and the latest video demonstrated some of that ability to tag in, although Logan was a little sidelined by the situation.

The superego is where things get really messy, and it’s emblematic of the power and preference Character Thomas has given the superego in the past that they’ve developed so much and have so much to them. But just as their opinions and concepts haven’t really developed past his childhood developmental stage, their personifications haven’t either. Instead they’re quite a mishmash of traits Character Thomas most valued in his authority figures and his ideal self at that same age, not quite fully developed or cohesive characters. 

Roman is first up. Ah, Roman. We know that he represents, to Character Thomas, his creativity, passion, romance and femininity. That’s a lot of things for one side to cover, even in the Sanders Sides universe way of explaining things where most sides have just one ‘job’. Add them together though and you can easily end up with the superego, or at least a part of it. Roman is, in my eyes, inarguably the aspect of ideal self. He is the most reflective of the outward personality of Character Thomas, and fulfills the role of his career driver and general motivation in life. He, perhaps in conjunction with Patton although in some respects more than Patton, drives the feelings of success and failure and the pride or guilt at attaining or not attaining the standards the superego as a whole set for Character Thomas to reach. He’s the role model, the person Character Thomas most wants to be (albeit exaggerated), and most idealises and idolises from the media he consumed as a child. Again; undeveloped past that age. He also deals quite literally in the control of the id’s impulses; he is a Disney prince ready to fight the Bad GuyTM. Patton may be the driver of that decision but Roman will carry it out no problem. In fact, the entire Accepting Anxiety arc was fascinating for showing how the ego and psyche as a whole needed to correct the superego’s behaviour primarily in order to lessen the negative effects of the id, rather than the way they’d gone about things before of just fighting against the id directly and suffering the backlash. It’s why the most recent episodes with Patton and Janus were also so interesting; a well-functioning ego can exert enough control to tame the superego and thereby control the id as well (but that second part I think we have yet to see, with the purging of the ‘dark sides’ narrative from Roman to come, no doubt). 

And Patton, poor Patton. Morality AND childishness AND the dad side AND The Heart? Morality and being the dad side fit the superego aspect perfectly as moral authority figure types and duties, and I’ll admit right now that this theory renders most of my characterisation of him as a chaotic good fairly redundant in favour of the authority figure lawful good/neutral (but fanon is fanon and canon is canon and we only draw from the latter for the former’s pleasure right?). The Heart also makes sense. I’ve seen it characterised as the emotional side, feeling all emotions, which was a train I was fully on until recently! I think his title of The Heart makes more sense in line with the superego’s outward looking conscience; he is the primary aspect responsible for gifting the psyche with that magical pride, or chastising it with the ever-feared guilt. He feels good, or bad, there’s not a lot of nuance there, and indeed in the series he rarely displays emotions other than those two, and those emotions affect the other sides often more than him himself. Nostalgia might be one other emotion you could cite, but that’s not unique to him and is more a facet of Character Thomas’ being a person. I suppose it could be rationalised as something the superego wants to think about or aspire to because it inspires the psyche to be better, or because it was a time when the psyche was better, pushing the ideal self onwards while simultaneously backwards to retrieve and recreate those wonderful moments. There weren’t really many bad memories in the nostalgia episode that I can remember, certainly. And the fact that the superego controls the nostalgia is interesting as well. But the childishness... well it’s far more of an id thing to be childish. In fact it really suits the fact that the id develops at birth and then does not change with age! It’s a thing that I’ve noticed changes a lot in characterisations of Patton everywhere, even somewhat within the series itself as it doesn’t quite mesh with the rest of his character apart from being a nice sort of gimmick or front. It doesn’t quite feel genuine, although the naivete of his being unable to understand many jokes or adult concepts fits absolutely spot on with my own theory that Character Thomas’ superego stopped developing after forming when he was young. Childhood is also when the religious influence would have started and impressed a huge amount of morality on Character Thomas right when the superego was formed and along with Roman’s very black & white/disneyesque thinking and personification this supports my theory, only further supported by the fact that the main development in the series recently has been when the childishness or childish concepts have been left behind more for responsibility and culpability and shades of grey thinking. It all feels a lot like a late bloom into adulthood. Patton has started to accept his role in the psyche and learn how to control it; primarily by not trying to control everything else and leaving that to the professionals of the ego. His part in the latest video was the least childish his characterisation has been, and I doubt it’s a coincidence that it felt more genuine than he has done previously. Character Thomas’ aspects are finally growing up!

So in conclusion; by making each side more conscious of their role CT has both helped and hindered them, taking them from their original roles in the psyche and warping them a bit, but now allowing them to return to a stable, balanced and organised structure, which is also their original and healthiest one, conforming to the Freudian Personality Theory.

That was a really long way of explaining why I think this theory really lines up against the Sanders Sides characters as a great framework for their existence and functions. This will absolutely be informing my own interpretations of them in canon-setting fic going forwards, and I’m intrigued to see what anyone else thinks! 

If you made it this far; well done, go have a cookie or two on me, you’ve earned it!!!

[rosesisupposes]

Who Tells Your Story?

Pairings: Platonic/Rivals Prinxiety; Royality into MoRoLo (aka Roman has Two Hands); Minor Creativsleep; Remceit; Platonic Moxiety Warnings: Major Character Deaths; Infidelity; Whole Lotta Angst; guns;   Word count: 6,785 Contributions: @potestessemagishomosexualitatis @mariniacipher

This was initially inspired by a snow day and @the-pastel-peach‘s wonderful commission of a Logince Ham/Burr Duel. Then it got angstier

Read on ao3

Edit to add: want to cry more? Listen to this wonderful edit of Dear Theodosia that @notveryglittery sent me 🙃

~~~~~~~~

How does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore and a Scotsman, dropped in the middle of a forgotten spot in the Caribbean by providence, impoverished, in squalor grow up to be a hero and a scholar?

This is a story about Roman Hamilton.

Roman, who has grown up surrounded by people who lived and died without anything, without leaving anything behind but a mourning family and an empty job that'd be staffed soon enough. Roman, hearing about people who were Grand, who were Great, who were Powerful, who left a Legacy of themselves impressed into this world, and he wants. He yearns to be one of those men. The wish, the dream, it swallows him whole, becomes all he can think about, and he reads everything he can get his hands on and writes as much as he can. But when his mother grows sick, he stops, he cares for her, until he grows sick too, and when she dies, he cries and weeps, and it feels like the entire world must have fallen apart because his did.

But the world kept on spinning.

His mother's death left nothing but a mourning son and an empty job that'd be staffed soon enough. And, he knows, with absolute certainty, that he wants, needs, to be more than that. Starts writing non-stop, to get out, get away, rise up. No matter the cost.

When he finally makes it to New York, he falls in love with politics. He also falls in love with men.

Roman, who is charming and beautiful and scrappy as hell. Roman, who's more than a little desperate to prove himself as more than his upbringing. Roman, who walks right into a gorgeous heir to a wealthy man.

The young Mr. Sanders is far too aware of his social status and social responsibilities, the context in which he must act. He's far brighter than anyone gives him credit for, and delights in the revolution because of the new ideas and theories it has introduced into the colonies. He is far too aware of the optics of falling in love with a penniless soldier.

He is also far too aware of how goddamn beautiful Roman Hamilton is. And when Roman and Logan collide - it is sparks. They match each other perfectly, twin burning flames of candlelight dancing in circles.

But then, Logan sees his best and oldest friend. The one he refuses to admit he’s been in love with for years. Patton, the sweet one. Patton, who would never ask Logan to give up anything on his account. Patton, who is helpless.

And Logan is far too aware of all the dynamics involved. Roman can socially climb with Patton just as well. Patton is the second son of the wealthy Mr. Schuyler, so the connection is less important. And Logan... Logan never could deny Patton anything. Not for the one person in the world he is positive is the best person he could ever know. Not for the person he loves best. And so Roman is introduced to Patton with a gallant bow and a witty quip, and now they're both helpless and besotted.

Logan is an excellent friend. He supports their marriage, quietly advocates to Patton’s father on Roman's behalf… And he gives a wonderful toast at their wedding.

~~~~~~~~

Roman's burning need to be more doesn't lessen when he's married to someone as wonderful as Patton. If anything, it makes the need even stronger. He has a family now, even more need for a legacy. He will prove himself, or die trying. He will be whatever the Revolution needs.

And Patton tries to understand, he does. But... he doesn't pretend to know. He wants to be a wonderful husband, and he is. He wants to be a wonderful father, and thanks to the multitude of revolution orphans, he is that too. He adopts their first child Thomas when Roman is out on the front lines. Roman is sent home to be a father, but chafes the whole time at being separated from the fight.

"Roman, look around - look how lucky we are to be alive right now. Alive, and in love, and becoming parents."

"But Pat- the war's not done."

"I know, Ro. But as long as you can stay alive... that would be enough, for me. We don't need a legacy, my love. We can be enough." He takes Roman's hand in his as Thomas is between them, sleeping in his crib. "Together we can be enough."

Those words will haunt them both.

Roman promises to be careful, and even is. He survives the war, at the General's side. He comes home with the news, flush with excitement. He picks Pat up and spins him, he carries Thomas around on his shoulders. Patton finally feels the tension melt away. He's home, finally. The war is done, finally. Now he'll be satisfied, and they can be a family.

The day Roman gets a letter from the President asking him to join the convention, and then the administration - it's the first time Roman and Patton fight.

"I need to do this! I'm being asked to serve my country!"

"You just got home! Could you stay here for a second?"

"Pat, you don't understand-"

"No, I really don't! I don't understand why you want to run away from us the minute you have an excuse?"

"I need to make a difference, Pat!"

"You've made a difference in my life, Roman. And in Thomas’. Can't that be enough?"

Patton's last question hangs in the air as Roman refuses to respond, refuses to even make eye contact.

Roman was about to leave for the capital when a letter arrived. It was from Logan, a long letter written in his steady hand, in his normal flourish-less prose.

"Roman, I'm leaving for England tomorrow. My father found a wealthy sponsor who will help elevate our family. He's... not particularly smart, or clever. No one could match you in that regard, in any case. So please - don't stop writing. Don't stop writing letters to me, don't stop thinking the brilliant thoughts that this country needs. I am happier when I hear from you. All my love to you and Patton [added later:] and Thomas, Logan"

Logan, leaving? Across the sea? Where letters will take weeks and weeks to reach other? Roman almost directs the driver to divert their path. He could go to the wharf, get Logan to stay somehow. Is there something he can do?

“Pat, I… It’s Logan. Would his father marry him off? Are we going to lose him?”

Patton reads the letter silently. “I… I don’t know. I hope not. He’s always been there, I can’t even imagine…”

Roman reaches out for Patton’s hand. “My dearest… what if I asked him to stay?”

“With you?”

“With us. With both of us.”

Patton’s eyes grow wide as a smile stretches across his face. “You would? You’d be okay with that?”

Roman smiles. “I would love nothing more.”

When Logan does leave for England, to study and to work under an accomplished mentor, he does so with a ring on his finger and uncharacteristic butterflies in his heart. He leaves knowing that he will always return, because no matter where he goes, his home will always been wherever Patton and Roman are.

~~~~~~~~

Virgil Burr knew every day of his life that his parents were amazing and impressive and peerless. And then they both died at the peak of their careers, leaving him with just the overwhelming weight of expectations. So yes, of course he hesitates. He has so much to lose. Anything he does could tarnish the Burr legacy. Any wrong step could bring down himself and his parents' good name too. And he admires Roman, even as he's utterly confused. How can be act so brashly? How can he be so sure in himself to not hold back?

And Virgil, well, he doesn't have the best luck in anything. He gets passed over for promotions and assignments because he's so scared of putting himself out there.

And then he falls in love. And of course, that's not easy either.

Emile Picani is beautiful and brilliant and soft. He is also married to a British officer in Georgia. But Emile is beloved by men and women alike and he loves Virgil back. So how could Virgil do anything but wait for him?

Roman and Virgil find themselves in their favorite bar after Roman’s second wedding, when Logan and Patton are off entertaining other guests and old friends of both their families. Virgil confesses that he's been sleeping with Emile, despite the other's marriage.

Roman is baffled. "Virge, if you love this man, go get him! What are you waiting for?"

"I... I can't risk it, Ro. And I'm willing to wait for it."

"But, why? Why not risk it, when the reward is so high?"

"There are just too many factors, so many things that can go wrong. I am the one thing in life I can control."

They don't and never will understand each other, not completely. But they share a need, that burning desire to prove themselves, to belong. Roman, to belong to a family, to have a purpose that can't be replaced. Virgil, to his family, to be an heir they wouldn't be disappointed in. And so their methods will never be fully aligned.

But, at least it works out for Virgil. Emile's husband does get sent back to England and Emile stays. They get a divorce, and Emile at long last becomes Virgil's. They have a son together, named Emile too. He joins them within months of Thomas coming home to Roman and Patton. Roman and Virgil write to each other with a new level of awe they could never have imagined before.

"Pride it not the word I'm looking for - there's so much more inside me now," Roman tells his oldest friend and rival. He quotes his husband, too: "I don't have the vocabulary to describe what I'm feeling inside."

Virgil writes back "When he smiles, he knocks me out - I just fall apart. And we both thought we were so fucking smart."

~~~~~~~~

Even with two loves now bound to him, even with a son who amazes and delights him, Roman cannot bear to stay at home, not when there is work to be done. Rushing back into politics brings Roman back into contact with his favorite and oldest rival, who continues to just not get him. Roman and Virgil clash like an angry cat meeting a dog determined to play: neither really gets why the other doesn't understand their reactions. And yet they move in the same circles, and both have the same undercurrent driving their every move, their every decision: "Prove yourself." Roman needs to prove he can be more than the transient, interchangeable kid he used to be on that tiny island. Virgil needs to prove he is not a disappointment to his parents' memory. He can't be the weak link. And his fear of doing the wrong thing paralyzes him more often than not, even as his ideas and thoughts rival Roman's.

The fights and tension Roman has with other members of the Cabinet are amazing. He feels more alive, just like in the revolution. He has a goal, he has obstacles/enemies, and he knows he has the ability to overcome. It all just makes sense, and it electrifies his blood to be able to be right where he needs to be.

Except, well. There are other places that also need him.

One place that also needs him is London. He does as Logan asked, and keeps writing. They debate the ideas he's bringing to Congress and the Cabinet, they make Shakespeare references constantly, and finally, now, they have the space to tell each other that they love each other. Every letter, every post-script. Patton’s letters are filled with endearments and compliments, just as Logan and Roman’s are insults that weave themselves right into declarations of affection.

Roman has a home office that he practically lives in, those days he's not in the actual office in New York. So Patton knows where to find him when he needs his husband to come be a human downstairs.

"It's Thomas' birthday, Ro. And we know it's a little unorthodox, but he actually has a gift for you!"

Patton beatboxes as Thomas starts to rap and sing, bursting with excitement.

And Roman hears his son singing to him, so proud of the words he wrote himself. Taking after Roman in his musical sense and his uncanny ability with language, taking after Logan in his impeccable timing and rhythm, taking after Patton in his pure delight and sunny nature. And Roman just melts.

"Our son is.... our son is pretty great, isn't he?" he asks his beaming husband, tearing up as he smiles.

"Yes he is," Patton says, hugging Thomas. His insides fill with fuzzy sunlight as he sees Roman sit with Thomas and listen, really listen about all his adventures and the French he's learning, and how hard but rewarding piano is.

"Darling, I know you've been working so hard - don't you think you deserve a break? We're going to my father's house for the summer, all of us. All the children: Thomas and Valerie and Joan and Talyn…”

Roman hesitates. "Work is so busy, there's so much I want to do..."

"Oh but Ro, when I say the whole family, I mean the whole family." Patton takes a letter out with brightness in his smile. "Logan is coming too."

Roman grabs the letter and kisses Patton’s cheek. “We’ll all be together?”

“We will, my dearest. At last.”

And Roman does mean to take a break. He earnestly does.

When Logan arrives off the boat from England, he and Patton immediately embrace, exchanging soft kisses. They've been together since they were children, and they always come first for each other. Always. But then Logan turns and sees Roman and... he's not a hugely expressive man. His face is usually inscrutable to all but those who know him the very best. Patton, however, knows him the very best. He sees the stars swirling in Logan's eyes and he hears the warmth in his love’s normally stoic voice. Hears how Roman, his famously, obnoxiously loquacious husband, is reduced to a single word: "Hi."

His heart is alight, seeing the two men he loves most take each other’s hands, unable to look away from each other even to kiss. No jealousy burns his skin, not even at the edges. It gives him only joy, to know that his husbands love each other so very much, as much as he himself loves them. They’re a family, a balanced triangle. And finally, they can all be satisfied.

Which is why it's so gutting when it turns out, no, it's still not enough. Roman just keeps saying "I can't stop until I get this plan through Congress..."

Patton's and Logan's hands immediately find each other's, just like when they were young. The mutual heartbreak is palpable as they stare back at Roman from the coach taking them away upstate, surrounded by all Patton's and Roman's kiddos.

Is Patton surprised? He is, actually. He thought if he wasn't enough, then he and Logan surely would be. He doesn't think he'll ever be surprised again, though.

If only Roman had just taken a break.

~~~~~~~~

We may never know for sure that it was a plan, a joint scheme between Remy Reynolds and his speculator husband Daniel Reynolds. We may never know if it was perfectly staged for Daniel to be gone from home when Remy collapsed on Roman's doorstop, begging for help.

Between his overpowering sense of chivalry, the ease with which his ego is stroked, and how fucking exhausted he's made himself... Roman isn't quite powerless to resist, but it's close. Roman almost pulls himself away but Remy suddenly has this look that reminds him just too much of his husbands. Who are gone, together, and it’s his own fault he’s not with them, but he misses them both, so much.

And then the letter arrives. The extortion letter. "Dear sir, I hope this letter finds you in good health and in a prosperous enough position to put wealth in pockets of people like me down on their luck - you see, that was my husband you decided to...."

"How could I do this? Why didn't I say no? What am I doing?" Roman despairs, but... where can he go now? He's already done it, and both Reynolds know. The only way this could be worse would be if Patton knew. If Logan knew. So Roman pays. Nobody else needs to know.

~~~~~~~~

Life doesn’t stop when Roman’s morals do. And Virgil Burr is still alive and kicking.

And he finally comes to a decision point when he realizes that Roman's just executed the most ambitious compromise in the nation's history. Compromise is Virgil's thing. Roman has always rolled his eyes at him for wanting to find middle ground between sides, the 'safe' option. And now he turns around and has invented the treasury and placed the capital city all at once? And no one can say exactly... what happened, there. How they got to that point. And Virgil wasn't part of it.

It hits him like a thunderbolt: he wants to do this. If huge accomplishments can happen even through compromise, then he can do it too. This can be how he finally lives up to his legacy. He's sitting in his study when Roman bursts in, furious.

"You just unseated my father-in-law in the Senate? Since when the fuck have you been a Democratic Republican?"

"What the hell, Roman?"

"No, what the HELL, Burr? What were you thinking?"

Virgil is confused. "I finally did what you keep bugging me to do. You know, actually do something for once instead of hesitating."

"But Senator Schuyler? Why him?"

"You're not exactly the most popular dude around, Roman. The connection was what made him weaker."

"I've always considered you a friend, Burr."

"Thanks, but why would that change? This isn't about you. This is about opportunity. Don't let your pride get the way of common sense, yeah?"

Others see the rift forming, and bring Virgil in on a plan to undermine Roman's even bolder plans. They have.... information. Why did it appear just now? Perhaps because there were murmurs that particularly rich senators and cabinet members looking for dirt on one Treasury Secretary.

Roman Hamilton has always, always been a great writer. It's what he's known for, what he's proud of. And thanks to his eloquence and overwhelming prolificacy, it's gotten him out of a lot of narrow spots and dead-ends. So when his political rivals, now supported by Virgil, approach him in an attempt to blackmail him with the info from the Reynolds....

Well, obviously, he's going to write his way out.

Roman figures that the power of blackmail is the target's shame. And the insinuations that he used the money for speculation, that he took funds from the government, when the treasury is his one crowning glory so far? Speculation rumors are clearly going to be more dangerous than the truth for his professional life . Better to get in front of the wave.

The Reynolds Pamphlet hits without warning. Roman, impulsive, dumbass, short-sighted Roman, didn't imagine how huge the uproar could be. He's immediately alienated out of the public sphere, all his influence and credibility shot.

Virgil has lost Emile, in the meantime. Sickness overcame his love, and he and young Emile were left on their own. It makes it all the more baffling when he sees Roman's missteps: how could he possibly risk a love as wonderful as what Virgil had with Emile? How could he even think of such a thing?

Roman’s political career is dead. His dirty laundry is aired to the public. No one will make any deals with him, not when they can just say "well the adulterer supports the opposing position" and walk away the victor. His public life is empty, and his private life…

There was no warning. None at all. Not even a single heads up, even once the pamphlet had been published. His husbands didn't even find Roman's article on their own. Thomas did.

Thomas is in shock and disbelief. How could Dad do this to Papa and Father? Dad is a good man, there must be some mistake, right?

Patton knows there hasn't been. Patton is... devastated, but not surprised. He wishes he could be surprised. Does that make him a terrible husband, that he already thought so little of Roman and still stayed? He finds himself wishing, in a weird, backwards way, that the affair had at least been someone he knew. Then at least, he might know how it could be that he and Logan were both missing something that Roman could only find elsewhere.

Logan, on the other hand, is furious.

His face is a glacier, his blood is ice, and Roman can practically feel the frost sprouting off his lips as Logan glares at him, spitting out, "I'm no longer here for you. How self-absorbed, how selfish do you have to be to think that I would possibly take your side in this?"

The time following the publication sees an angry Logan who refuses to listen to Roman's pleas, who ignores every explanation, who stonewalls every attempt of Roman’s to talk.

"It’s not that it’s another man, you idiot. We’re a polyamorous marriage. No, I’m pissed that you honestly thought that your goddamn ego and reputation mattered more than actually talking to us. Because Patton takes this personally. Our husband is the best person in the world. He is kind, he cares about others' feelings, and he has raised six children to be compassionate young adults. In short, he is everything you're not. So congratulations, Roman. You've done what you always wanted: become famous. Created a legacy that will never die. And that legacy is for inventing a new stratosphere of stupid. I love Patton more than anything in this life, and I have chosen his happiness every time I could. I have chosen it, I will choose it, and I choose it now. I'm back in America to stay, for him and him alone. You took the best thing life could have given you, and you ruined it. So well done, Roman. Congratulations."

Patton does not lash out. There is no reflexive anger or reaction dragged out of him. No, instead, his response is calm, collected. He looks at Roman’s actions and says to himself, "I have seen exactly what you've done and I refuse to give you room to hurt me further."

Yes, he's a storm of hurt and final betrayal.  He has never hated anyone before. But all those years ago he said he'd never be surprised. And he isn't, now. Just disappointed, that he was right all along. He couldn't be enough.

And now he's free. Free to stop trying. Free from trying to drag Roman into being a father to their kids. Free from having to try not to see the glances from other men (and women). Free from having to be a pseudo-widower, who'd lost his husband to politics. Now he decides on his own: Roman is exiled from his half of the house. He can stay in his home office. He can avoid dinners. That's what he did before, didn't he? Patton will stay with his children and remaining husband. Logan and Thomas and Valerie and Joan and Talyn and Terrence and Brittany. All his kiddos. They can be a family on their own. They could never be enough for Roman, but they're enough for each other.

~~~~~~~~

The eldest children are... dealing. Valerie has inherited her Papa's temperament, and throws herself into taking care of her younger siblings. Joan latches onto Father and they follow him everywhere.

Thomas is still in shock. And disbelief.

And he, more than any of the others, has inherited Dad's temperament, and maybe more than a little of Father’s. And he has a strong sense of privacy - no one should be gossiping about this if they're not actually affected. Thomas is on his university campus when he hears of speech publicly disparaging his Dad, saying he's without any redeeming qualities, calling him dumb and unintelligent and both a philanderer and a traitor the the country.

The young man is already burning with anger, and then the speaker throws in a last little gem:

"What more could we possibly expect from a man like that? Of course he was going to show his true nature eventually. Look at his ‘husbands.’"

Now, this man has implicated not only Dad, but Papa and Father, too. And now that patented Hamilton rage is spiking. Thomas walks up and slaps him with a glove, trembling with anger. The ancient call to a duel. The man looks like he just stepped in something slimy, but accepts, naming a time and place.

Thomas walks away and immediately begins to panic. He can't fight! He doesn't even own a gun! But when he pictures trying to withdraw the challenge or back down... he can't do it. Not unless that @%#%$ apologizes.

He runs to his Dad. He's been the only child regularly talking to him ever since the pamphlet, so Roman can't immediately tell something's wrong. But then he sees the familiar fire in his eyes and realizes sadly that it turns out Thomas really is his son after all.

He counsels Thomas (his little Tommy, how is this happening?) to fire in the air to show he's been satisfied of his complaint.

“Don't risk taking a life, son - it's not worth it. Promise me, Thomas. Don't give your Papa another heartbreak."

"Okay, I promise."

"Come back home when you're done. Take my guns. And Thomas,” he hesitates, wanting to tell him to run, hard and fast. He wants to tell him to back down. But the set of Thomas’ chin tells him he may as well tell the boy to fly. “...be smart. Make me proud, son."

Shaking with nerves and anger, Thomas meets the rude man the next morning. He's still polite, following all the etiquette. And then his opponent fires on the count of seven. Of all the times to find out the bigoted speaker from your college is also a marksman.

Roman arrives at the doctor's still panting from the sprint over. It's all his fault. He knows it is. Thomas is pale, too pale, and the bandages around his middle are not.

"Hey, Dad," he says weakly, coughing. "I... I did just as you said. I did just what I promised."

"I know, I know, Thomathy. Shhh, save your strength."

"Why did he still fire, Dad? I was aiming for the sky, I was..."

"I know you were, Tommy. I know. You did everything right, just rest easy, okay?"

Logan takes care of all their children so that Patton can get to the doctor, too. He sprints, and he is already crying the minute he enters. He makes eye contact with Roman, heartbroken, guilt-ridden, definitely-responsible-for-all-this Roman, and glares.

"Who did this, Roman? What did you know about it?"

Thomas interrupts before Roman can answer. "Papa - I'm sorry..."

"Thoma-llama, no, nonono, it's not your fault," Patton says, immediately at his side, gentle and soothing, holding his hand tight.

"Do you... do you remember piano lessons, Papa?"

"Of course I do, kiddo. You always changed the melody, because you liked it more." He smooths the boy's hair. He is still a boy. Only 19, barely out of college, so sheltered, and now....

Thomas laces his fingers through Patton's, the way they did when he was 6 and still learning how to reach the keys. He hums the tune they always played, and Patton hums along, his voice breaking in his throat. Roman stands off to the side. He can't interfere in this moment. Patton was the Papa who mattered - actually there for their children when they needed him. Actually a father. Roman never spent enough time and now... he's out of time.

Patton holds Thomas tight, long after his time is gone. If he can just hug him tight enough, it won't be real. How can he believe this is real? It's... it is unimaginable.

~~~~~~~~

Roman and Patton move numbly through life. Logan is not emotionless, no, but he powers through. He helps the family move from the house where Thomas was born, relocating further uptown. Hiding from the shadows, and the memories.

Roman is utterly and thoroughly a broken man. He ruined his career, his hurt both his husbands, he's burned his friendships, and his family is shattering. He shuffles around the city in a daze. He accompanies his remaining children to school and lessons. He eats mechanically at the dinner table. And all it takes is the slightest reference to Thomas for him to fall apart.

Patton is too connected to the children to shut down, and they know him well enough to not expect the same happy pappy Papa. He's just a little bit colder. A little bit sharper around the edges. More easily startled. Valerie, who was always the closest with Papa, climbs into his lap all the time. She knows he needs affection the most right now. The younger kids make crafts for him, and they sing his favorite songs. If only his favorite songs hadn't been Thomas' favorites, too.

One night, after the children are asleep, Roman finds Patton staring blankly into the distance in the living room.

"I... I know I don't deserve you, Patton. But could you just... listen, if you will let me? Just knowing you can hear... that would be enough."

Patton doesn't turn or nod, but his eyes shift. He can hear. He's not moving away.

"If... If I could spare his life, Pat. If I could trade his life for mine, he'd be here now, and you would be smiling and... that would be enough for me. I know there's no way that can happen - we can't replace what we've lost, but... if you could just let me stay here, in this house. At your side. That would be enough."

The refrain might have broken Patton's heart, if he had enough left to break. But instead, without looking, he takes Roman's hand in his. He might not say it now, or ever, but he needs every family member now. That's enough to forgive him.

Patton needs both his loves. And Logan can understand that, can forgive Patton for forgiving Roman. But he hasn't let go of his anger with their husband. Not yet. Logan blames Roman a little more than Patton does, even though he knows it's unfair. but casting blame is easier than looking inwards, at his own flaws, at where Thomas might have gotten his stubbornness and hotheadedness.

It seemed like there would be years to be mad at him, for Roman to prove he'd changed, to learn to forgive. Patton knew Logan was beginning to come around, as Roman rededicated himself to his family. Seeing Roman so gentle with Patton and the children, Logan starts to feel the seed of something there again. But not all seeds are destined to grow. And some don’t grow fast enough.

~~~~~~~~

Even in the face of hearts shattering and families breaking, the indifferent world keeps spinning. Even in the face of personal devastation, the thrum of politics doesn’t quit.

Virgil is running for president in a crowded primary, against one of Roman's most antithetic rivals. But he won't take any positions. Too nervous about being rejected, he continues to hedge, and compromise, and avoid hard stances. He's learned how to hide behind a charming mask. He talks to people, and smiles and laughs, and buries his nervousness behind bluster (Who is he modeling his bluster after? The former prince of pride, of course). He's openly campaigning. It's new. And honestly, it's more than a little draining.

But the convention comes to a dead tie, and the only person left in the party who's able to weigh in is Roman. Despite his numbness, he's never forgotten why he cared so much about wanting to help his country. He still believes in its people and its promise. So after the 20th letter asking for his opinion... he declares publicly that he supports Virgil's opponent.

"What the fuck?"

"What?"

"You supported him? Over me? Really?"

"He had positions. And beliefs. I don't know what yours are."

“At least I have morals.”

The rage simmers, hot and itchy below his skin. Who is Roman of all people to act better than him? To casually derail his biggest ambition? He asks for an apology, and acknowledgment, anything. Roman responds with a literal list of issues on which they've disagreed, "any one of which I could use as equal basis to oppose your candidacy."

The barbs fly back and forth, neither man backing down, apologizing, or conceding a point. Virgil, for the first time, feels entirely compelled to act, the quiet voice telling him to 'wait' strangely absent.

“I'll see you at Weehawken, at dawn, Mr. Hamilton. Bring your pistols."

Roman wakes Patton by accident that morning, sitting at his desk, writing.

"Ro, come back to bed, please?" his wonderful husband asks sleepily. "What are you writing?"

"Nothing you need to worry about yet, love. I just... I have an early meeting. In New Jersey. I'll... see you later, okay?"

Patton nods and is snoring again by the time Roman's walked to the door. He takes a look back, and returns to the bed to softly kiss Patton's temple. He walks past Logan’s bedroom, too. He’s not yet been allowed back, even as Patton spends as many nights there as with Roman. But knowing what he’s about to do, he stops and steps in, quietly.

Logan is so much softer when he sleeps, and Roman's heart fills as he sees the slight smile. He carefully, softly, so gently it can't be felt, places a kiss on Logan's cheek. He can't wake him, can't ask for forgiveness beforehand. That would be leaning on guilt and fear, and he would never manipulate his love in that way. So he just writes a letter.

He doesn't address it with a name, but leaves it in the kitchen where both Patton and Logan will find it. On the outside of the folded letter, in Roman's bold hand, is one phrase for both his hearts:

“Best of husbands, Best of men"

~~~~~~~~

Staring at his one-time friend in the cold, misty air, Roman tries to remember the vigor he used to feel. The fire of wanting to defend himself. The burning passion of being right. He can't find it in himself anymore. But he recognizes it in Virgil's eyes.

Virgil’s anger has changed from a cold weight in his chest to a fiery stream spewing from his mouth and pen, the fire before the smoke of his pistol. He is driven by his age-old hunger, yes, but by another need, too: that this man will not make an orphan of his son.

Is it a selfish need? Of course. Roman's children will lose a father. But they'll have two left over if he falls, while Emile, Jr. would be utterly alone. And even if his pride lets Virgil concede, his love for his son won't.

For once in his life, Roman thinks and reacts a bit too slowly. Both combatants follow the proper steps, but he doesn't decide where to aim his pistol until the count has already reached 9. And Virgil is shaking with anger still when the his finger depresses the trigger on 10.

Of all the times not to miss.

Just as he fires, he sees Roman lift his gun up, and up, and it's pointing towards the sky and WAIT!

The one time he should have hesitated more, and he didn't. He was too young and blind to see that Roman's approval would never have been enough, that his disapproval wasn't why he didn't feel accepted. The world could have been wide enough for both of them.

And now, history will remember him as just... a villain. He will always be remembered for what he destroyed, not what he made. He will always, always be the bad guy. The worst part is he agrees. He thinks he deserves it. He shouldn’t have tried to act decisively, shouldn’t have gone against his regular actions

Patton and Logan can’t help resenting him. Politics isolates him. And just in case the universe wasn’t clear enough that his actions have consequence, he loses Emile. Again.

His son dies at sea not two years later, and Virgil is left alone.

~~~~~~~~

Imagine, if you will, Logan and Patton drying their eyes and taking the remaining Hamilton children to Washington, D.C. Logan and Patton continue to campaign for the end of slavery, for President Washington’s monument to be completed. Logan brings the policy, Patton brings the heart. Logan shows how feasible it could be. Patton shows why it’s necessary.

By the time old age claims Logan, Patton is stronger, more able to live on his own. His children have grown, and he has too. Logan is buried next to Roman, back in New York, and Patton will join them one day. Them and Thomas, in the family plot.

But Patton looks at the world and asks, “What more can I do?”

He and Roman wouldn’t have been so well matched if he didn’t understand that need to help, to do more, to make a mark on the world around him. Patton and Logan would never have loved so deeply if Patton didn’t understand what it took to make real change happen. Patton’s mark just never had to be a huge, sweeping legacy. The smallest change in someone’s life could be enough.

Roman’s biggest weakness was never feeling like he was enough- because he never fit in. He never felt truly at home. So Patton looks at the children of the city and says, “I will build you a home.”

Patton visits Roman’s grave each year, and one year brings pictures

“Roman, love, can I show you what I’m proudest of?”

The orphanage.

“I established the first private orphanage in New York City. I help raise hundreds of children, and dear one- I get to see them growing up. In their eyes, I see you, Roman. I see you and your hunger, I see Thomas and his optimism, I see Logan and his brilliant mind. I see us, all of us. I see our family and our love.”

And there’s yet so much more he can do.

~~~~~~~~

Virgil draws back from the public life, invests in public libraries, and tries to do what he can to create scholarships and opportunities for young people like he’d been. Like Roman had been. One day, when he’s aged and grey, he gets a knock on the door of his New York home.

“Hello, pardon me, are you Virgil Burr, sir?”

“I, Uh. Depends who’s asking?”

“Oh sure, sir. My name is Patton Hamilton. I’ve been looking for you.”

Patton knows that no one, no one spent as much time with Roman on the intellectual side. No one knew his political approach quite so well. Virgil spent so much time studying it, trying to understand, and he knows every aspect. So when Pat wants to enshrine his husband’s political legacy, he knows who he needs to talk to.

If there’s one thing Patton is good at, it is forgiveness. And Virgil has needed it for so very, very long. He helps publish the book of Roman’s writing, his letters and treatises. He helps build the Hamilton library. He consults on the business side of the orphanage.

And Patton, at his annual gravesite visits, tells Roman. One year, Virgil comes with, once he’s finally convinced he won’t be interfering. He stares at the gravestone, throat tight, eyes full.

Finally, he manages to say, “I’m sorry, Ro.”

He leaves a quill at the base of the stone. And parchment to write on. He never visits again, but he doesn’t need to. He knows there’s nothing more to say.

~~~~~~~~

As Patton ages, and knows he’s reaching the end of his life, his only true regret is wondering, “Have I done enough? Will the world remember us, and you? Will they tell our story?”

But ultimately, that’s not what matters. What matters is that he has done his best, and that one day soon, he will see them all again. Logan, and Roman, and Thomas… it’s only a matter of time.

~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~

General writing taglist:  @residentanchor @royally-anxious @bewarethegrammarpolice  @jemthebookworm @arandompasserby @sparkly-rainbow-salt @astral-eclipse @thelowlysatsuma @adorably-angsty @max-is-tired @almostoveranalyzed

[enjoltaire-is-canon]

We’re Just Another Star In a World of a Million Stars

This is based on my own thoughts, it’s nothing dark in particular, just pretty realistic in my opinion.

.

And this is gonna be a long disclaimer, so feel free to skip.

Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry Potter (but imagine if I did), the Shadowhunter Chronicles, The Maze Runner series, The Hunger Games, Divergent, Twilight, Percy Jackson, Lord of the Rings, the Rold Dahl books, Diary of a Wimpy Kid or Dork Diaries.

-

The clock across the room was reading three a.m, illuminated by the soft moonlight that had managed to sneak through the drapes.

Grantaire looked at Enjolras, lying beside him soundly asleep, and felt a familiar warmth spread through him. Enjolras looked like an angel with his hair spread beneath him, his eyelashes almost touching his cheeks and rosy red lips slightly parted, letting out the occasional snore. He closed his eyes, allowing the bubbling self-hatred well up in his chest.

He had everything he’d ever wanted; a loving boyfriend - the loving boyfriend- friends that would drop everything to be at his side in a blink of an eye, and a steady money source, why was he unhappy then? Most of the time he was, enjoying being with Enjolras and the amis, relishing in the peacefulness painting provided, but it’s at these times, when he was all alone, that the demons surfaced.

What was he doing it all for? The living, loving, what was the point? He could die at any given moment and everything he’d ever done would be for naught. He could die at twenty five, well before his time, and the world will still spin. People will go on with their lives, nothing will come to a still. A person or two may weep over him, but soon everyone will forget him, in less than a year’s time. He’ll be remembered at family gatherings, and whenever his friends felt nostalgic. He’ll be a distant memory, forgotten and only resurrected at the livings’ will. And God, how he wished to have someone reassure him, help fight the demons, but that’s not how it works in real life. You have to tell people how you feel in order for them to comfort you, they can’t read minds.

He reached out to caress Enjolras’s curls, feeling tears sting his eyes. Will Enjolras move on when he dies? Will he find someone else to love? Will he even remember him ten years after his death? Will he be that lover he fondly looked back at, or someone who filled up his time for a while? What will people say at his funeral? Will they say that he touched anyone’s hearts? Changed their lives? Will anyone visit his grave? Or will it be just another abandoned headstone in the middle of an ocean of graves? What will the afterlife be like? If heaven and hell were real, where will he go? He wasn’t really a religious person, hadn’t been to church since he was ten, but he wasn’t exactly a bad person. Not bad enough to deserve hell at least.

And if he does end up going to hell, then that’s no comfort. Being plunged from one hell only to be thrown into another. ‘But at least this world has some good things,’ he thought as he pressed a gentle kiss on Enjolras’s cheek and got up to look at the bookshelves covering half of the room. Half of them were Enjolras’s, a mixture of philosophy, history and law books, but the other half was his. He traced his fingers over the paperbacks’ spines, distinguishing them by the moonlight.

He smiled fondly as he looked at the Harry Potter books, memories of reading the books, laughing and crying as he made his way through the pages running through his head. These books helped helped him through the awkward couple of years that were known as middle school, helped him deal with bullying from his peers and teachers, his friendlessness and the struggle of pasting a smile on his face. Then there were the Shadowhunter Chronicles, a series that had made him yell with joy and bawl his eyes out in agony. He’ll never forget the times he rolled his eyes at Jace’s antics and awed at Magnus and Alec, and God, is he thankful that Izzy put her pride down and admitted her feelings for Simon, though Will Herondale will always be his favourite. That brat everyone hated but loved, who did his best to push everyone away and yet never managed it. His selflessness, running to the institute and away from his family to protect them, accepting the fact that he’s a walking death sentence and yet allowing himself one thing; a parabatai.

Then there was the Maze Runner series, a hate letter to W.I.C.K.E.D. A series of heart wrenching teenage boys that struggle against a corrupt world, only wanting to survive. And Thomas and Newt, the sleepless nights he spent reading fanfiction about them because canon hadn’t done them justice, and God, the nights that he spent crying over the fact that Newt and Sonya never got to know that they were siblings.

He let out a snort that was followed by a few tears when his eyes fell on the Twilight series. He never made it to the last book, but he’d actually enjoyed the first three ones, and yet he’s still spent his time hating on them when he was in the Harry Potter fandom. And then there was Divergent. He had loved the books, not enough to reread them though, sci-fi wasn’t his favourite genre, but he gave it a chance. He never hates on the Divergent characters and even likes looking at edits about them sometimes, but rereading the books was out of question.

A glint caught his eye and he followed it to find himself staring at the Hunger Games books. He liked them a tad bit more than Divergent, and had never hated them all the same. All these pages held precious memories and he’ll never let them go. The Percy Jackson books, Red Queen, Lord of the Rings, -hell even the Rold Dahl books, Diary of a Wimpy Kid and Dork Diaries, were all close to his heart, and he won’t exchange them for the world.

But all these works and characters were immortalized, on these papers, on theatre screens, in fanfiction and fanart. They’ll last till the end of time, and if not till then then for at least another hundred years. As much as the characters comforted him, they’ll comfort other people, be their heroes. They won’t follow him in death because, as much as he hated to admit it, -and as empty as the words felt- they weren’t real.

He didn’t know what the afterlife was like, but if anything, he was sure that it didn’t have the same things as this world, or else there would be no point. He won’t be able to listen to the songs that got him through his parents’ fights or the ones that helped him get up in the morning. He won’t be able to do anything, especially if he was in eternal torture.

A soft groan came from the bed and he turned to see Enjolras making a grabby hand at the empty side of the bed. He smiled and went over to his lover, getting in bed and wrapping his arms around him, his smile widening when Enjolras made a happy sound. His thoughts will never be banished by the knowledge that he has a world to live in now and people to love and love him back, and he was in no way content with that, but he didn’t really have a say in the matter, and there was nothing he could do about that.

And so life went on, Grantaire lived and loved and, as predicted, died at twenty-five. His funeral was a quiet affair, his friends wept but his lover sat motionless, still in denial. Years passed and his friends got married happily, always remembering him at Christmas and Thanksgiving. But Enjolras never forgot him, not for a moment, and it was all he could do to keep going and not follow his lover.

-

Like I said, I wanted to keep it realistic. Grantaire was perfectly healthy, he didn’t have cancer or any other health issue, sometimes people just die, out of nowhere, and there is nothing we can do about it. Take Cameron Boyce as an example; while he did have a health condition, his situation wasn’t really bad, but something just happened in a moment and then he was gone. I don’t know if Dove Cameron has really made peace with his death and I don’t know if she’s trying to make herself see a reason to go on with all her Instagram posts, but it’s touching how dearly she loved Cameron Boyce, and it’s more than any of us will ever get. (The message might seem vaguely familiar to you from The Fault In Our Stars) He only had twenty years, but he made more of them than any of us could hope to. This fic was not written with Cameron Boyce in mind, but he is a pretty good example for the message I’m trying to convey.

[ilovereadingandilovebreathing]

The Great Ukulele Caper

Sorry my titles are cheesy lol 

So this was supposed to be cute and funny, but it got out of control, so prepare yourselves for the post-”Moving Forward” feels cuz here. they. are.��That video wrecked me and I needed an outlet, okay? Okay. 

So here, and I am actually sorry. 

Also, this is my first time writing a fic with Thomas in it, so sorry if I get him all wrong or step on any toes. I don’t usually write him in, but I felt like maybe it was okay in this case? Either way, I did my best.

Summary: Thomas’s ukulele is missing, and the only place he hasn’t checked yet is the MindScape…

Characters: Thomas, Patton, Roman, Virgil, Logan (no pairings)

Word Count: 3,280 (my longest SS fic yet. oops.)

Warnings: “Fix You” by Coldplay is back, and I’m. Not. Sorry. It’s too #relevant to ignore, and I have a lot of emotions. Other than that, no real warnings that I can think of besides angst. 

Tags will be in the reblog because Tumblr hates me.

ALSO I’m SO sorry the Read More keeps disappearing!! I forget that every time I edit something on mobile, that vanishes. SO sorry to everyone who had to deal with that.  

He’d been searching all afternoon, but he just couldn’t find it anywhere. Not on the couch, in the couch, or under the couch. Not in his bed, on his bed, or under his bed. Not in the laundry room or the kitchen; he’d even checked the stairway! 

Thomas just couldn’t find his ukulele anywhere, so he mustered all the mental power he could spare and transported himself to the MindScape. 

When he appeared in the living room nearly identical to his own, Thomas immediately spotted Patton sitting cross-legged on the floor, happily humming “Winnie the Pooh” while coloring a picture of the same eponymous bear. 

“Hey Patton?” 

The Moral Side’s head jerked up, for he hadn’t heard Thomas enter. Once he had a second to process, a characteristic grin broke out across the Side’s face as he replied, “Yeah, Thomas? What’s up, kiddo?”

“Have you seen my uke anywhere? I thought I left it on the couch in my living room, but I can’t find it.”

“Mmmmm nope, sorry, kiddo, I haven’t seen it! Maybe Roman has it? He’s the one most likely to be involved in a capo’ed kidnapping!”

“True.” Thomas chuckled a bit. “So, which way to Roman’s room?”

“Up the stairs and to the left; his door is the one right there, on the left side! Good luck, kiddo!”

“Thanks, Pat, see you around.” Thomas gave the waving side a two-finger salute as he mounted the staircase. “Weird how this place looks just like my house, but is just different enough…” Thomas mused as he approached the Royal’s door. From behind the thick wood, Thomas heard the smooth tones of a familiar little instrument being strummed to the tune of “Once Upon a Dream.”

“Uh, Roman.” Thomas tapped on the Creative Side’s door, opening it slowly as the music quieted a bit. 

“Greetings, Thomas!” Roman declared, turning to face the doorway with the ukulele strapped around his neck, held in place by a bright red strap. He played the ending notes of the song, gently singing out, “The way you did once…upon…a…dreeeeeam…”

“Roman!” Thomas exclaimed, throwing his arms out. “I’ve been looking for that everywhere! If you want to borrow my ukulele-”

“Whoa, there, my Confidently Confused King,” Roman threw up his arms defensively, keeping Thomas at arms-length from the instrument. “This is my ukulele. I conjured it up after you bought yours. Well, it took a few tries to get it just perfect, but-”

“Wait, Roman, you made this?” Thomas stared in awe.

“Why, yes, I did!” Roman beamed with pride. “I had to study yours first, of course, because I love its tonality and wanted to emulate its sound perfectly! Although, I did make a few design changes…” He gestured to the sides of the instrument, intricately carved into designs of a castle, dragon, shield, and sword. 

“Roman, that’s incredible! It’s beautiful, and it does sound exactly like mine. I thought it was mine when I heard it in the hallway, actually.”

“Delightful!” Roman exclaimed, clapping his hands. “Though, I am sorry yours is missing. Did you ask Patton, perhaps?”

“I did.” Thomas sighed. “He hasn’t seen it; he told me to come talk to you.

“I’m afraid I don’t have it either, compadre.” Roman smiled sadly. “I can’t imagine where it could be. It’s not like Logan could see any use for it…perhaps Virgil? He does love music, even if it’s that Chemical Romance garbage.”

“I guess it’s possible. I have been meaning to check in on him and make sure he’s doing okay more often…” 

“It’s settled then! Thomas’s Quest for his Magical Instrument is underway! Now he will head into the darkest, most dangerous, most-”

“Roman.” Thomas warned.

“Most….enigmatic corner of his mind.” Roman grinned sheepishly. “I apologize. Old habits die hard, and all of that. His room is at the end of this hallway, the final door on the right side!” He gestured grandly before strumming his own ukulele again, the beginning notes of “How Far I’ll Go” from Moana filling the air as Thomas took his leave.

“Best of luck to you, Brave Thomas! I surely hope you find your ukulele before it’s too late.”

“Thanks, Roman.” Thomas smiled, shutting the door. “No need to be so dramatic, though.” 

“There’s always room for flair!” Roman declared. “I’ve been-”

Thomas shook his head slowly as he turned from the Royal’s room and headed toward the end of the hall; the “DO NOT DISTURB” sign attached firmly to the door was an obvious signal that he was in the right place.

“Virgil?” Thomas knocked on the Anxious Side’s door, frowning when he did not receive an answer. “Virgil!” Thomas called louder, knocking harder and turning the door handle. It was unlocked, and for an instant Thomas felt bad for entering Virgil’s room without really getting permission, but that faded when he realized the Anxious Side wasn’t even in his room.

“Hmm, weird.” Thomas thought to himself. “Maybe he went out for some reason…to another part of the MindSpace I can’t get to…” He shrugged and pulled the door shut. Maybe Logan knew where the other Side had gotten off to, so Thomas started toward the opposite hallway, smiling as he passed Roman’s room, the Moana tune still in full swing within.

Thomas approached one door, realizing instantly that it must be Patton’s, if the “Come On In!” sign written in bright marker was any indication. Thomas continued down the hall, coming to a halt outside the door that could only have been Logan’s. Hand on the doorknob, Thomas’s jaw became slack as soft tones slid from beneath the door. A voice, similar to his own but quieter, with a slight rasp to it, was singing the bridge of “Fix You” by Coldplay. The voice cracked on a higher note, and Virgil’s familiar, frustrated tone bit out, “Crap. So close. We made it so far!”

“I apologize. Do I need to transpose the song into a lower key to suit your range?” The Logical Side replied evenly, sounding patient in spite of Virgil’s outburst.

“No, no, it’s fine.” Thomas could hear the bite in Virgil’s tone, even when it was muffled by the door. “I just….Ugh. We’ve been working on this for days, and I really thought we had it by now…”

“We have worked through most of the final bridge, so, comparatively speaking, we are much closer to the end than we were when we started.”

“Of course, Logan…” Virgil grunted. “I just need a second…” 

Thomas suddenly realized Virgil’s voice was closer to him than it had been, but before he could retreat, the door was flung open and Virgil stood there, eyes bulging and mouth slightly agape. 

“H-Hey, there, Virgil.” Thomas waved awkwardly. “I was just looking for my-”

“Your ukulele.” Virgil grumbled out. He quickly turned back to Logan, who held out the instrument toward the Anxious Side, and gently took the ukulele from his hands. Virgil turned back to Thomas, peering through his bangs as he apologized.  “Sorry we took it. We would’ve made our own, but creativity isn’t our department, you know? Roman could make one, but we didn’t want him to get involved and try to steal the show.” He held out the stringed instrument to Thomas. “Sorry, again. We won’t take it again-”

“No, please do!” Thomas held up his hands, refusing to take the ukulele. “You sounded amazing, Virgil. I had no idea you have such a great voice.”

“Well…I mean, I never said I’m not a singer. I just….don’t like to do it around Sir Sing-A-Lot, you know? That’s kind of his thing, and it’d just be….embarrassing.” 

“Well, like I said, I think you have a great voice! And Logan, were you playing the ukulele?”

“Well, though I said I am not much of a singer, that does not mean I am not much of an instrumentalist. There is a lot more than creativity that goes into playing an instrument; certain types of mathematics and precise muscle movements play a large role, as well. It’s a challenge that I quite enjoy, actually.” The Logical Side blushed just a bit while gesturing toward a corner of his room Thomas could not see. “I have tried a few instruments, but the size, shape, and sound of the ukulele are by far the most pleasing to me.” 

“I can tell; you sounded amazing from what I could hear. You’re very good at finger picking!”

“As I stated, the precise muscle movements are enjoyable.”

“So I see.” Thomas smiled, looking back to Virgil whose head was still ducked in embarrassment. “So, why were you two practicing in here? I would assume for fun, but you said you didn’t want Roman involved or he’d ‘steal the show.’”

“Right, well….Obviously, you know Patton’s been a little….off lately, what with the whole…break-up and all.” Virgil swallowed. “We’ve been trying to get him to open up to us. When we’re all in sync and working together, things go a lot smoother, from actual thought stuff to every day stuff, but Patton’s still been hiding from us.”

“He’s down in the sitting room right now.” Thomas remarked.

“Right, but if we were to go down there, he’d start acting too happy or try to do something so that we couldn’t ask him if he’s doing alright. He’s still hurting, Thomas, he’s hurting a lot, and we really want him to know that he can open up to us and be honest with us and that we care about him and want to make sure he’s okay, so….”

“During the last couple of days, Virgil and I have been preparing to perform “Fix You” for Patton.” Logan chimed in, giving a worked up Virgil a second to catch his breath.  

“Right.” Virgil sighed. “We figured the words were pretty perfect for what’s been going on lately, and we hoped maybe it would….I don’t know, break him in a way? Maybe it’d finally get him to break down and be honest with us for once.” 

“That’s actually not a bad idea.” Thomas replied thoughtfully. “Music always makes me really emotional, especially if it’s the right song, and since Patton is my emotional core….this could work. And, if you want, I can teach you a couple of breathing exercises to get you to that high note.” Thomas smiled as Virgil blushed, putting a gentle hand on his shoulder. “But like I said, you sounded great, Virge. Patton will love it, regardless.”

“I sure hope so.” The Side muttered, turning back to his Logical companion. “Well, we could use all the help we can get, so if you’re willing, I’ll definitely take you up on those breathing exercises.”

“Great.” Thomas walked past Virgil as the Side shut the bedroom door, taking a seat in Logan’s vacant desk chair.

“Alright, Teach.” Virgil sat on Logan’s bed, across from the other Side, and took a deep breath. “Let’s get down to it.”

——-

“Hey, Dad?”

Patton’s head, once again, jerked up when he realized someone else was in the room. “Hey there, Virge, and other kiddos!” The father-figure grinned up at the three standing before him. “What’s up?”

“We, uh….We….Ah, man, guys, this is a stupid idea-”

“We know that you have been struggling as of late.” Logan cut in, placing his empty hand firmly on Virgil’s left forearm. “Made obvious after our last two filming sessions, so Virgil had an idea to try to remedy your emotional condition.” Thomas pulled the ukulele from its hiding place behind his back, handed it to Logan, and moved to take a seat behind Patton on the couch. “Virgil and I have been practicing our own musical rendition of a song we believe might provide a sort of proverbial balm to your…”

“Burned heart.” Virgil finished, breathing deeply before giving Logan a thumbs up. 

The Logical Side slowly began picking the opening chords to “Fix You,” and Virgil breathed out and in again, closing his eyes as he softly began singing, “When you try your best, but you don’t succeed…”

Thomas smiled at the pair, his heart picking up a bit when he looked down and realized how Patton had stiffened on the floor, his coloring book fully abandoned. The Moral Side sat stock still, his eyes fixated on the standing pair as they continued to softly serenade him. 

“When you love someone, but it goes to waste….”

Thomas chanced a glance down at Patton, but the Moral Side remained resolute, a look of what could almost be described as determination glinting in his eyes. He’d caught on, it seemed, to what their plan could be, and was refusing to give in. 

Great. If there was one emotion Thomas didn’t want to be battling right now, it was his own stubbornness. 

Still, Virgil and Logan played on, hoping the fruits of their labor would flourish rather than spoil, wasted. 

Patton made it through the chorus, and Thomas began to lose hope when the Moral Side remained resolute through the second verse. He really thought one of the two would get to him, but he’d apparently underestimated Patton’s ability to repress unwanted feelings. As they reached the bridge, Thomas sighed, accepting defeat and slumping into himself. Well, maybe they didn’t get Patton to break, but at least the other two had grown, in a way. Virgil was singing his heart out, perfectly using the breathing techniques Thomas had taught him to belt out the high notes in the bridge with all the passion he could muster. 

“Tears stream down your face when you lose something you cannot replace-”

Suddenly, Thomas felt something. 

Like the first drops of rain falling after the clouds have hung overhead for days, gathering and gathering their darkness and dew. The first sliver of pain, of sadness, of sorrow, cut right through his heart, and he knew the onslaught was to come. 

Thomas clenched his jaw, feeling the wave of emotions sweeping through Patton overcome him as the painfully relevant lyrics were, as hoped, the straw that finally broke the camel’s back. Patton’s shoulders shook violently as he drew his hands over his face, choking back gut-wrenching sobs as the other Sides continued on, steeling themselves against responding to the Moral Side’s emotional outpouring. Slowly, and ever so tenderly, Thomas placed a hand on Patton’s back, and the emotionally-wrought Side collapsed under his touch. Thomas was on the floor in an instant, protectively holding his emotions in his arms as they wept together, finally, blessedly, coming to terms with what the Moral Side had been holding back for so long. 

Virgil and Logan finished out the song, and Thomas looked up through his tears, smiling gratefully at the other two as the bittersweet release of pent up emotions flooded through him. It hurt. It hurt more than anything Thomas had felt in a long time, but he was so grateful for it. He didn’t want to go back to the facade they’d dealt with for too long, and he knew the others didn’t either. Virgil and Logan came and sat behind Thomas and Patton, placing their own hands on the others backs in a sign of comfort and solidarity, and, looking up into their faces, Thomas realized the other two has flushed, wet cheeks, too.

Patton’s anguished cries must have made it up the stairs and past Roman’s own noise somehow, for the Royal was suddenly at the bottom of the stairs, sword drawn and eyes wide at the scene before him. Slowly, he sheathed his weapon, face crumbling with relief and sorrow at seeing his beloved companions in such a state. He moved to sit beside Virgil, leaning his head on the Anxious Side’s shoulder and allowing himself to break, as well, taking the shaking hand that was offered to him as he wept. 

The five remained this way until Patton’s cries subsided, his body slumping against Thomas from exhaustion.

“How you feelin’, buddy?” Thomas asked quietly, rubbing the Side’s back as he followed Virgil’s instruction to breathe. 

“Not great, kiddo. Not too good.” Patton sniffed and ran a hand under his nose. “But….better than before. It’s a process, right? Getting better, m-moving f-forward….it’s a p-process.” He sobbed out, still trying to get control of himself by breathing. 

“It sure is, Padre, but we’ll be here for you every step of the way.” Roman smiled shakily, patting the Moral Side’s shoulder. 

“Definitely.” Logan chimed in, wiping the remnants of moisture from his own eyes. “Whenever you might need us, we are here. We are with you, in solidarity.”

“We wanna help you, Dad.” Virgil mumbled, pulling his hand out of Roman’s death grip to ruffle Patton’s hair as he’d done so many times to the Anxious Side. “So let us. We can take this thing on together. You don’t have to be alone. We got your back.”

The Moral Side breathed in, and whispered, “Thank you all, so much….It’s…it’s been so hard…I just….I didn’t want to bring you all down. I wanted to protect you….from me.”

“Patton.” Thomas released his hold on the Moral Side, prompting him to sit up and look him in the eyes. “You don’t have to protect us. From any part of you. We’re all part of the same unit, and we all have to work together to function at all. We need everyone to be willing to give it all to each other and for each other, and that includes you. Let us help you and work along side you. We’ll get better together. Okay?”

“That….that sounds good.” Patton smiled, wiping a few stray tears from his cheeks. 

“Well, I’m beat.” Virgil sighed, trying to wiggle out from between Logan and Roman. “Glad we finally got you back, Dad.” He stood over Patton and reached out a hand which the other Side took gratefully, shocked when the Anxious Side pulled him into a tight hug that was over before he could process it. “Love you, Dad.” Virgil whispered before vanishing into his own room. 

“I will have to exit, as well.” Logan declared, carefully laying the ukulele on the couch behind Thomas. “I still have much to get done.” The Logical Side rose, placing his hand on Patton’s shoulder before pulling him into a surprisingly not stiff (and longer than Virgil’s) embrace. “Take care of yourself, Patton.” The Logical Side admonished as he released the other. “We only have one you, and we want you at your best. Because we love you.” Logan threw him a final smile before also disappearing into his own realm of the MindScape. 

“Well.” Thomas looked at Roman, still on the couch, and Patton, staring up the stairs toward Virgil and Logan’s rooms. 

“I think I’ll stay down here with Padre, here.” Roman replied softly. “I think some….one-on-one time is in order. Sorting things out for good sounds like a grand idea right about now.” He gestured toward the empty space on the couch, smiling when Patton relented and sat across from him.

“Not a bad idea. Considering everything else…we might as well.” The Moral Side sighed, turning to Thomas.

“We’ll be okay here, kiddo. You can go on home now. Glad you managed to find your ukulele.” The emotional Side sniffed and smiled.

“Yeah, me, too, Pat.” Thomas gave the pair a soft smile and a wave as he picked up his ukulele and vanished out of the MindScape, re-materializing on his own living room couch. Sighing deeply, Thomas laid his little instrument on the coffee table, settled back on the couch, and closed his eyes, willing his mind to do as it pleased as his Creativity and Morality worked themselves out.   

All of my Sanders Sides fanfics

[louisseedhousefuture]

Final Evaluation

Research:

I would say I got a lot of ideas and inspiration from my research, the main person that inspired me was Thomas Heaton, I have been inspired by Thomas’s work for a while and I felt as if this was a great project for me to apply my interest into landscape photography and a good chance to use Thomas’s work for research and inspiration. I would say that by seeing his youtube videos about the work he creates and also by just looking at his images I was able to draw lots of inspiration and begin thinking of landscape work I could do for my project. The main way that Thomas has inspired my work is by documenting how he creates his images via vlogs on youtube, he is very good at working with light to create his images and often only takes one good image at a location and this makes we try to think more about my images before taking them rather than becoming trigger happy.

I also think that I gained a lot of research for this project from the world around me, I think this is because I surf and therefore tend to spend a lot of time in the sea and around the beach environment, therefore I feel passionate about creating work that means something to me when tackling the issues of marine pollution. I have experienced the effects of marine pollution first hand for example I have surfed on beaches littered with rubbish and also had rubbish such as plastic bottles, crates and crisp packets along with many other things float past me when surfing.

I would say that research deeply influenced the development of my project work as when I began the project I was not sure how I would be able to produce any landscape photography that fitted with the brief. When I saw work from the various artists I had researched I was able to create a more clear image of what I wanted to end up with. At the start of the project I was considering representing the negatives of the marine environment and I was going to try and document the negative effects of people on the Marine environment. However once receiving the two client briefs and doing some research of my own, I thought that showing off the more positive aspects of the Marine environment and just generally showing off the power that the natural environment has over us would be a more effective method when trying to get people to want to do something to protect it.

I would say I researched Widely enough and in enough depth as I was able to produce work that I was happy with based on the research I had done and I was able to compare it to the work of others.

Concept:

The idea behind my work is to produce a selection of landscape images That could be applied to both client briefs. I aimed to produce landscape photos that show off the positive side of the marine environment and the environment in general. I wanted to represent the power that nature has and I wanted to try and show how landscapes can show emotion and moods that environment feels.

I would say that my ideas developed and changed quite a lot along the way throughout this project, as to begin with I was considering focusing on more of a documentary style of photography however I soon realised that landscapes were something I could use more effectively for this project and I would be able to apply my passion for landscapes to produce good images.

I would say the work I produced communicated the ideas behind my project very well.

Core skills:

I would say that we used a good amount of maths on this project however maybe slightly less than previous projects, we used maths when calculating our carbon footprints and comparing them to other peoples as well as when I was editing the stop motion as I had to work out the correct frame rate and the amount of images I would need per second of footage etc.

We also used a good amount of English on this project as we were given the task of recognising bias text in two newspapers and comparing the two as well as just general blogging, research and comparing our own work to the work of others.

Technique:

I would say that I used a lot of different techniques on this project as for landscape work I was working with various different filters to enable me to do some long exposure work. I was also able to experiment with some techniques that I had not tried before such as panoramics, HDR photography, Time-lapse and stopmotion. I think that unit 7 of this project is what pushed me as well as many other people on this course as we are all photographers and not many of us had really ventured into moving image in much detail.

Character development:

I would say that this project has helped me develop myself as I was able to work with new people to help them with work as well as receiving help and advice from others. A good example of this is when we had to Show an example of a landscape image we shot when we were away for half term and we had to give and receive feedback.

I would say that I managed my stress levels well whilst completing this project as I made sure I stayed on top of all of my work and that I made sure I completed any work at home that I wasn’t able to finish in college, this ensured that I wasn’t stressing at college about work from previous sessions and was able to focus on what we were currently learning about.

I would say I did well in terms of meeting deadlines and general punctuality as I didn’t miss a day of college and my work was always completed on time.

I put a lot of effort into my work as I always try to do because I enjoy photography and it’s something I want to do well at.

I definitely took care and pride in the presentation of my work as I made sure that all images were fully edited and how I wanted them to look before publishing anything to my blog. I also provided good quality prints for the session where we were asked to show our landscape images as I wanted my photos to look as good as they could.

I would say the main challenge I faced for this project was transport and being able to get to the locations I wanted to shoot at the correct time of day so that I had the best light for landscape photography. The reason this was so hard is because I have not yet taken my driving test and therefore being able to get to remote locations is hard unless I can get a lift From my parents or my brother. I was able to get a lift to the locations I wanted to shoot a couple of times however if I was able to drive I believe I would have been able to produce even more images.

Professionalism:

I would say the main thing that I learnt about how to work professionally in the creative industry from this project is making sure that all of your work is as good as you could possibly get it before submitting it, I think that this helps a lot in the creative industry as if you publish work that you are not happy with and people see that they will begin to associate you with bad images.

Working with the brief:

I would say that my work fits well with both Client briefs as both clients said that they could use work that shows off the positive side of the environment and that is what I tried to produce, I didn’t want to make my work too specific as I knew that this would not be usable for both clients and to be totally honest the client briefs were very vague and therefore I focused on producing images that I was happy with as I think that is more important than producing images I think are bad but they may fit the brief in more detail.

I would say that although my work is based around sustainability and does show what we need to protect about the environment it is not telling you what to think, this is something I set out to do from the start as I wanted people to look at my images and think about the deeper message behind them.

I would say that although the Brief was very good as it enabled me to use landscape photography, The client Briefs seemed to be very vague and were not very good. The first client brief from Regen South West did not actually tell us what to do, the woman just spoke about feelings and then left us to question what she actually wanted us to do. The Devon wildlife trust’s Brief was a lot better than the other one however I feel that this may have been fueled by the fact that I surf and have a big interest into marine conservation.

enjoyment/engagement:

I think that I would say I enjoyed virtually all of this project, in particular the workshops and tasks that were based on marine conservation as well as getting the opportunity to work with landscapes. The only aspect of this project I would say I found slightly un enjoyable would have to be the comparing bias text task as I thought there was more important work we could have been doing and to be honest I didn’t think that the bias texts were really that relevant.

I would say that I engaged well with this project because I enjoyed it and I was able to work on a style of photography that I enjoy.

High points and low points:

I would say overall I am most proud of my landscape images that I produced as I put a lot of thought and effort into them and they came out just as I had hoped. I am also proud of the stop motion I made as it fits perfectly to the brief. I would say I am least proud of the time-lapse I made as I don’t think I had long enough to create something that was interesting. I wish I could have produced various different timelapses and combined them into one edit.

I think for the next project I would like to continue to work on landscapes and also work on more photoshop skills, I would also like to try and shoot at more locations as I think that the location is the main factor of producing good landscape images.

What did the audience think?

I would say that the feedback I received for this project was all positive as I don’t think I received any negative feedback during this project. Lots of people said that they thought my landscapes were good and I appreciate this feedback. I personally tend to get bored of my photos and I begin to dislike them the more time I spend looking at them and editing them so positive feedback is very refreshing.

Time management:

All together I would say I have spent about 90 hours on this project as we have spent roughly 60 hours at college and I have spent about 30 hours outside of college working on the project.

-Thinking of ideas and researching = 15 hours = 16.68%

-Planning and organising = 10 hours = 11.12%

-practicing and testing skills/ software = 15 hours = 16.68%

-Taking pictures = 10 hours = 11.12%

-Editing pictures = 15 hours = 16.68%

-Blogging = 25 hours = 27.8%

-Overall time spent working on this assignment = 90 hours = 100%

To work out how much time I spent on each section as a percentage I worked out that all of the times were multiples of 5 so if I were to find out what 5 was as a percentage of 90 then I would easily be able to figure out what each section was as a percentage. I worked out that 5 is 5.56% of 90 so therefore I had to times 5.56 by the amount of fives that went into each number.

If I were to charge a client £15 per hour for working on this project I would be charging £1350.

4D evaluation:

I made 2 4D pieces of work, One with a small group and one by myself. I think I preferred the One that I worked on with the small group (the duck stop motion), this showed the way that the ocean is being polluted with fishing waste and the way this is impacting the environment. I also produced a Time lapse by myself showing the busy traffic in Plymouth city center. This one also shows the contrast between pedestrians that are not giving off any pollution and the busy traffic that is giving off lots of emissions and pollution.

For the duck stop motion we photographed each frame in the lighting studio, slightly changing the scene between each shot and then we edited it in Imovie by laying all the mages in order and making sure each frame was shown for the correct amount of time, I then overlaid some audio.

For the Traffic time-lapse I used the Built in time-lapse feature on the Nikon D7200 and then edited it in Adobe Premiere and added some audio over the top as well as some text and color correction.

I was influenced by the artist that I researched as well as some general time-lapses and stop motion footage I had seen before. Overall I think I completed unit 7 well.